The lanky goofy senior (🐶) on the baseball team shoves his camera in my face, the flashlight blinding me (🦊):
🐶 I’m recording for the group chat, do you think the blonde math teacher is hot?
🦊 I plead the fifth.1
🐶 Yes or no, do you think she’s hot?
🦊 I’m sorry, I thought this was America. I plead the fifth.
Ha. Your adolescent mind is no match for my years of television consumption.
There’s this one senior guy who’s probably been diagnosed with Oppositional and Defiant Disorder. He’ll likely join the Army after he graduates. Now every time he passes me in the hallway he looks at me and exclaims “I plead the fifth!” Thank you Dave Chapelle. I just hope he doesn’t try it as a legitimate legal defense.2
A black freshman guy (🐌) is watching a game of flag football on YouTube, his friend (🐜) is sitting next to him.
🐌 He’s the fastest cuz he’s black.
🦊 Why aren’t you fast, then?
🐌 bruhhhh you’re gonna get cancelled.
🐜 You’re just mad cuz he’s funny as hell.
As a good friend once told me: “If you make the teacher laugh, you can’t get in trouble.” Perhaps there’s a corollary to this: “If you can beat the class clown at his own game, you can teach him better.”
The more general lesson here is: “if you can be better than someone within their own value hierarchy, they are more likely to respect you.” You gotta meet people where they’re at.
There’s an assembly for the Senior class about prom, graduation, all the good stuff.
Is this for real?
ALL PRANKS MUST BE APPROVED
BY PROPER SCHOOL AUTHORITIES
No wonder the teens would rather look at their phones. Their external world is so fucking stifling. But hey, this Family Guy clip, or this South Park clip, or this meme about a racist dinosaur is fucking hilarious. It makes me feel something.
It’s so cute how this mostly white suburban high school honors Black History Month. One bulletin board displays a multi-colored “quilt”, a grid of images and quotes of famous black people that assorted students have chosen. But they’re all some feel-good bullshit like "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace" (Jimi Hendrix), or “You don't become what you want, you become what you believe” (Oprah).
You want a real prank? Draw some inspiration from the old High School Yearbooks. That’s where the good stuff is, with quotes like “Chillin’ like a Scarecrow, Lookin’ for Some Brain” (Lil Wayne). Make your own quilt with lines from raunchy rap songs. Let’s not whitewash it, this is the real way to honor Black History Month.
I show this to a few of the black guys in the school. They double over with laughter as if to say Holy Shit, is he allowed to do that?
I’m sorry I’m just trying to uplift black voices.
Teenagers should rebel against authority. That’s what they’re supposed to do. They’re supposed to push boundaries, to figure out what’s true and what’s not.
I overhear some freshmen (🐨🐭) talking:
🐨 Never send a peenie pic.
🦊 Oops, too late.
🐭 Mister C, you’re the funniest person in the world.
That’s all I needed to hear. It’s what I’ve been striving for this whole time… to become the funniest person in the world.
Allow me to toot my own horn for a second; I’ve had quite a few real-life run-ins with comedians. I’ve scrambled Aziz Ansari’s pattern-matching algorithm at a surprise Christmas Eve show. I’ve played the role of villain to Anthony Jeselnik, who NPR once called “The Dark Prince of Comedy”.3 I once sat on Amy Schumer’s lap while I was tripping on LSD. Making high schoolers laugh is a piece of cake.
But it’s not about me, really. My strings are pulled by the Divine Trickster Himself.
And that’s what this is. That’s what it could be. Why can’t the system be more Mythic? Why can’t it be a great Drama Of The Gods? If the administration is the King, let me be the Jester in the court, taking them down a peg when they’re unable to see their own bullshit. When the order becomes too stifling, you need the Trickster to bring just the right amount of chaos.
it was only possible because such men knew also how to listen to the voice of the gods, and allowed themselves to be entirely possessed by a divine madness. It imbued them with superhuman strength, and drew others into their designs by instinct. This abandon to nature and instinct—this is the Bronze Age way! And you can learn to cultivate this exalted psychosis inside you also.
Ultimately it’s not just the administration that needs an honest look in the mirror. Why would kids rather stare into their screens than focus on books or math equations? Because in the plain brick walls and fluorescent lights and linoleum floors of the school, they’re not seeing themselves. And they’re looking to the tiny personalized algorithmic mirrors in front of them for answers.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/take/plead%20the%20Fifth
https://www.npr.org/2014/08/14/340113255/anthony-jeselnik-the-dark-prince-of-comedy
Pervert, Bronze Age. Bronze Age Mindset (p. 143). Kindle Edition.